EXPOSED BODIES

Zine / 2024

As you see and feel others, your mind is exposed to the social anxiety caused by the bodies that surround you. Everyone is looking at you, so you sigh, your heart drops, you feel ashamed, and you want to cry because you get a glimpse of fear from everyone’s faces. Anxiety rushes in the moment and so with no other thing to do, you smile hard to hide the sadness and the pain that they inflict on you. Sometimes you’re denied by people just by the look of their eyes, they beam hate and a judging look at you. She was having visions of sadness, she left the cubicle with tears on her face, and as she passed by them no one seemed touched enough to hold her hand. They showed her what she didn’t want to see, they rubbed it on her face until her eyes dropped on the floor, leaving her head to bleed. They drive you mad, they whisper pure shit in your ears, and they piss and spit on you when you’re exposed to the elements. There’s so much gratitude, there’s so much empathy, love and compassion, that they leave you cornered in obsessive feelings. This girl suffers, she feels pain in her heart and soreness in her head, just because they’re vile. They left this flower to wither, and fall into decay because they chose not to help her when she needed the most, when she was ill and going through bad times. You thought they were loyal and trustworthy towards your feelings and emotions, but these heartless people never cared about this fragile girl. Let love in they say, even if the only thing you’re getting from them is hate. Daydream more like dayhell, love more like hate, happiness more like sadness, smiling more like crying, good time more like bad time, but what can I say, you get what you fucking deserve girl. With a colossal weight of guilt, she drags her mind in the mud and through thistles. You’re nameless and faceless, you’re mindless and heartless, not for choice but because they impose it on you. When you’re all alone, there’s nothing but spite in the air, raw and pure hate drawn by those who love you with the middle finger pointed at your face. They’re not sorry that they lost their patience, you don’t deserve better, it's true. She’s no prey but she’s pursued, chased until she’s exhausted, and then eaten alive. When you’re overshadowed by a faction of corpses, the sun runs away and everything turns dark, but not like the night, like hell. That lovely bright sky turns black, and those who loved you turn to the other side. Naked, vulnerable and defenceless, not in a dream, split 1000ft far away from them, but not away from harm, she can hear and see them without their presence, cruel I guess. Reality seems fair sometimes, but the backstage isn’t seen, hidden away from principles, words get stuck in your throat and you can’t scream, and for how right you might be, no one can see that covered scene. You can’t move on because they hold you back, and as you try to move you sink in their trouble, their undone job, the mess left for you to clean up. Even if you lived hate, even if you carried their whims upon your shoulders, remember the times you gave yourself to them, and even with a swollen heart, you loved them. They failed this girl, and they shamelessly walked away, leaving behind memories of trauma, scars that once went as deep as the bone, a lonely torment, a desire to escape their shadows and a broken individuation. Girl, don’t worry so much about it, this wasn’t you, this is just how you could’ve felt, just like how many other girls could’ve felt.

This work was inspired and motivated by the classes of my dear teacher JJF.